23. april 2016

Going away. Taking some time off. The pleasure of daydreaming. Just Beeing on the roead, makes the butterflies alive in my stomac. All the people and the destinations. The airport filled to its brim. The freedom and the grattitude of beeing able to experience new destinations is intoxicating.

A glass of wine would definatly be part of this picture. Sitting on the plane, enjoying my book, and a glass of wine to highten my spirit, or to numb it. Its difficult to say wich one it was. But everything becomes much clearer as time passes. I drank wine in a certain way when it came to vacations, parties , even the weekends. My awareness has changed, now seeing my own reactions and experiences without alcohol. I am more grounded in my personality and precent. I can also see my pattern ;numbing my life with a glass of wine. My tollerance for big crouds and noise expanded. I became available and patient. But in that picture , i over steped my bondaries. Cruched them. Why?

I know i am an empath, and also a introvert. So to be able to «handel» my suroundings, and to deliver on the social arena. The solution was often a glass of wine as my friend and cruch.

Because i thought i had to live up to an ideal. The collectiv ideal. That only excisted in my head. I wanted to succed , even if it meant ruining my peace and quit. My time to recoperate and regain my thoughts and strenght.

The worst of it all, i lost my creativity. My passion to think outside the «box» . I bacame a robot that followed the crowd.

I had to change the pattern. Rethink and get a new perspectiv. Shake myself alive and open new doors. Not follow the cook book, but make my own recepies. I had to open all of my pandoras box, all of my personalyties had to come forward. Deer to be myself completely. To show my vulnerability and my fragile sides and see if i was still breathing.

I am, Still breathing after this amacing weekend with a presence in my excistance that makes me content, but also in some ways uncomfortable. So lets follow the flow, and see where this is leading.I might be in for a surprise.

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